(Bad) Tips for Nanowrimo: Day One

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Confabulations! Welcome to November and a little thing we call National Novel Writing Month. I know you have a lot of questions — like, what is that and how do I survive and surely at this point it should be international novel writing month? and I thought you said oh god never again? and, most importantly, isn't every month novel writing month? — and don't worry because I am totally here to help you out with your questions and inquiries! Just... probably later with most of those... I can help with one of the questions though! Here are my bad tips for your survival, brave writer of 50 000 words in a month. Let's go: 1. Write drunk edit sober: Don't listen to the naysayers! Writing while imbibing is totally an intelligent thing to do and in no way is it possible that you will wake up in three days time having some vague memory of crying under a desk as you prodded your manuscript with your toes and cooed at it in an attempt to tell it that you could show it the world  It is totally not the case that you could wake up not only in a different country with no idea how you got there, but also with a manuscript that makes next to no sense and isn't even really that long!

2. Live-tweet constantly: This will in no way hinder your word count! Surf the internet! Go bananas! Finally enroll on that online course you've been meaning to do. Email all your relatives! Cross-reference all the gifs on your computer! Find a way to spell-check the entirety of the internet! When you're done, check your word count to make sure you didn't accidentally type something during this brief three day interlude from writing.

3. Phone a friend: Ask about the weather, their houseplants, whether or not they think when the apocalypse happens that they will be suitably prepared and on-board with your far superior plan that somehow involves a lot of glitter, what they had for breakfast, whether eating fibre would help, if when they are waiting for food they find themselves singing songs too, and so on only to realise at the last moment you've forgotten to phone anyone and you had this entire conversation in your head while considering what to do about the fact the "F" key on your keyboard is jammed again.

4. Mysteriously forget how to count: Forget how to count words, calories, time, fingers, what day it is, how many shoes you are wearing, and cups of tea made. Secret away anything that can count for you. If you can't count how can they prove you are behind on your word count? This seems like an excellent plan for at least 29 out of the 30 days of the month, aside from occasional moments of horrifying clarity in the shower also.

5. Maybe, just write.

What are your top tips for Nanorwimo and writing? Most of mine involve caffeine, which probably means they are bad or, at least, not the greatest.